So my parents just found out about my fourteen year old brother smoking weed because they found this on his window ledge. So in the middle of a huge lecture my dad decides to open the Baggie and smell it to see how strong it is. He immediately starts crying with laughter. THIS NIGGA HAS BEEN BUYING AND SMOKING FUCKING OREGANO. FUCKIN ITALIAN HERBS. SON. I CAN’T. I CANNOT. I CAN’T DO THIS.
If you knew how desperately I’ve been grappling with things lately, you’d probably call me up and make plans to sit me down for coffee and aptly smack some sense into me. You’d probably say things you tell everybody else to do, and for some reason, you can’t yourself. You’re a hypocrite. To that, I would say: yes, of course.
In every other aspect of my life, I can live out my truth pretty well. When it comes to my love life, I more or less cower like a whimpering dog with it’s tail between it’s legs. I don’t know why I can’t just live out what I know is true.
I know what I have to do. And I know what the right thing to do is, but I am so afraid to take the leap. Living out your truth means utter vulnerability; you act on what is most deeply embedded inside of you. To have people not accept these things and just be outright rejected, it’s just devastating.
But you know what else is even more devastating? Living a life you don’t really want to because you never had the guts to live out your truth. What I mean by “your truth” is what you know to be what you most want to do. The person or people you most want to love. The things that cut you open and ignite your nerves and can send you over the edge but you keep going back because you know, despite everything, that this is what’s meant for you.
The truth inside you will win out eventually and set you free. As cliché as it sounds. Or else it will drive you mad. Your truth isn’t a passing thought or feeling that will just dissipate one day. You will only ever become more and more aware that you’re denying yourself the greatest joy in fear of the possibly greatest disappointment. “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all” -Oscar Wilde